Dear Imaginary Fat Man
by Her Sweetness
Summary: [Oneshot, hinted KaibaxJoey] Thanks to Mokuba, Seto is forced to write Santa a letter even though there's nothing he could possibly give him. What does the mighty CEO want for Christmas?


Her Sweetness: Merry Christmas, you guys! Or whatever it is you celebrate. This is my present from me to every one of you! Enjoy and review afterwards, please!

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**Dear Imaginary Fat Man:**

_Blue-Eyed Man:_

_So what were you saying about this whole cheese thing?_

_FetaCheeseToe:_

_it's totally amazing. you put the cheese between your toes and ya get a sensation that's just like doin' it in the backseat of a real expensive car! i done it millions of times._

_Blue-Eyed Man:_

… _I'll have to try that._

_FetaCheeseToe:_

_yea. but just dont forget to use cheddar cheese, cuz the gorgonzola only works if your gay._

_Blue-Eyed Man:_

_I'll keep that in mind. So tell me—_

Kaiba's fingers slipped off the keyboard when he heard his brother's cheerful voice ringing his name downstairs. He'd been so engrossed in his chat room conference that he'd forgotten his brother had gone out in the snow to play with friends. He looked to the clock on his computer and blinked at how time had flown by.

Footsteps were coming up the stairs and the blue-eyed CEO was frantically closing all the conversations he had gotten into during the past hour, which was approximately nine. As he closed the last one, the door to his office busted open and a little figure all bundled up in wintertime clothes came bopping in.

"Hey, Seto! Where're you doing?" He asked, pulling off his hat and peeking at the computer screen.

"N-Nothing," The brunette coughed.

Mokuba looked at him suspiciously, "Seto, you haven't been talking on those freaky chat rooms, have you…?"

"No!" He shouted hurriedly and blushed, "Mokuba, that's horrible. Accusing me of doing something so lowlife."

"Alright. I was just making sure. 'Cause my friend says there's this guy traveling around the internet that goes by 'FetaCheeseToe' and he tells people sick things and then watches you through a webcam while you're on your desktop!"

"…" Kaiba blinked slowly and turned to his monitor, pushing the sleep button. The desktop went away, turning the screen black. Kaiba turned around in his computer chair and got up from the desk, sitting on the leather couch on the other side of the room. He sighed, "You were saying, Mokuba?"

The boy blinked, now having taken off all of his jackets and scarves. He shrugged off his brother's strange behavior and held out a folded piece of paper that he dug out of his pocket, "I just wanted to ask if you had any stamps, Seto. I have a letter to mail."

"Oh really? To your pen pal at the crack house?"

"Nope; to Santa."

"…" The taller brother blinked and then a sly smirk graced his lips, "_Mokuba_, aren't you a tad bit old for believing in Santa?"

"No! It's a class assignment, _Seto_. My teacher says that even if you don't believe in Santa Clause, writing him a letter inspires creativity and releases stress."

"… Your teacher's a twat. What kind of nonsense do they teach you at that school?"

Mokuba pouted before getting an idea and walking over to his brother's desk, searching around in the drawer and pulling out a fresh sheet of paper and a pen. He set them on the desk and smiled over at Kaiba, "In fact, Seto… You've been so stressed out lately that I think you should write Santa a letter, too."

"You have to be kidding."

"Stop being such a grouch, it'll be fun! I'll even let you mail it with mine!"

"Ooh, how special." He rolled his eyes and stood up, "Sorry, but I don't have time for class assignments. I have a multibillion dollar company to run and this sounds ridiculous."

Now Mokuba was the one rolling his eyes, "Oh, please, Seto. That's your excuse for everything, Kaiba Corp. 'I can't play with you, Mokuba, I have a company to run!' 'I can't eat right now, Mokuba, I have a company to run!' 'I can't bathe right now, Mokuba, I have a company to run!' That's why you're mean, way too skinny, and you smell to high heavens!"

"…"

"So…" He smiled and walked towards the door, "Relax, write Santa his letter, and for crap's sake, take a bath!" With that, he slammed the door shut.

Kaiba groaned and fell into his computer chair again. He twirled around, looking out of the large window that oversaw the entire front lawn of his estate and out into the street where some kids where playing under parked cars. Teenagers were making obscene snowmen, young children were severely damaged in snowball fights and a Salvation Army Santa was molesting a young girl on the street corner. It was definitely Christmastime in Domino again.

He turned back to his desk and the paper and pen that sat on it. He sighed, 'Well… it is in Christmas spirit… and it's not like Kaiba Corp is doing anything interesting today anyway…'

So before he could change his mind, he scooted closer to the desk and picked up the pen, putting it down to the paper.

_Uh… Dear Santa…? No wait. Santa. Fat Santa. Imaginary Fat Man Who Does Not Exist! (A.k.a. Santa.)_

_Hi._

_So, anyway, I'm writing this letter to no one because my brother made valid points in the fact that I have no life. Besides that, he said I'm stressed. I'm not stressed. I just have trouble finding pastimes that don't include work or disputing arguments in porn chat rooms. That has become my favorite thing in the past month…_

_Oh crap, I'm telling things to an Imaginary Fat Man. Great._

_I know you're not real. You may have everyone else fooled, but I know that you're a tool of the Greeting Card Companies. Like Hallmark. Damn, they're good at advertising. _

_But their President sucks in bed. Ha._

_Anyway, Mokuba will get all huffy if I don't tell you what I want for Christmas. I'd bet you'd like that, wouldn't you? To learn what Seto Kaiba wants for Christmas. Well, you're out of luck, Imaginary Fat Man, because I don't want anything. I already have everything money could buy, and I have better credit than you._

_So there's nothing I want. You can go talk to my brother and get him a pony or something. He tries to hide it, but he's in love with horses. And no, not like _that_. Bestiality is frowned upon in most societies and Mokuba and I already had that talk._

_But everyone isn't rich like me. So you've always got a job, I guess, giving things to poor people who don't have sense enough to be brilliant like me. Heh heh. Like that mutt, Wheeler. What an idiot. He does nothing but sleep all day and then he goes out drinking all night! I don't know how he can live like that. His apartment is a dump. _

_And no, I have not 'been' there. I drove past it one day and threw large rocks at him through the hole in his roof. _

_I know they hit him, because he said 'ouch'._

_But… when we were back in High school, in gym, and I saw him dressing into his uniform, (No, I was not 'looking'… Okay, maybe I was, a little.) I caught a glimpse of a Blue Eyes White Dragon! I couldn't believe he had a pair of Blue Eyes White Dragon underwear! It was amazing!_

_Ever since then, I've been searching for those blessed Blue Eyes undies, but no manufacturer says they make them! I know it's a lie, Imaginary Fat Man, because someone had to have made those…!_

_So, I guess… if we came right down to it… and I didn't have a choice…_

_I'd want Wheeler's underwear for Christmas._

_There. _

_I said it._

_Live with it._

— _Seto Kaiba, CEO of Kaiba Corporation. _

Kaiba put the pen down and looked at the letter he'd just written. He shook his head and almost laughed, "I guess I got carried away…"

"Seto? You done?" Mokuba opened the door to the office and walked inside, holding out his own folded piece of paper, "I still need a stamp for mine."

He blinked and pulled out a book of stamps and let his brother take one while he folded his own and put it into an envelope. They both stamped their envelopes and addressed it to the North pole, which Kaiba thought to be utterly ridiculous.

When they had finished, Mokuba asked, "Seto, what'd you ask Santa for?"

"… Nothing…" He narrowed his eyes and snatched Mokuba's letter away from his small hands.

"Hey!"

"Don't worry, Mokuba. I'm going to mail these myself."

"… Oh. Alright, then."

As Kaiba started for the door, he thought to himself, 'There's no way I'd let him mail my letter. I know him, he'd read it! And then he'd laugh… Ugh, this is shameful in itself! Maybe I should just hide my letter and mail Mokuba's… But he'd know. Dammit, why does he always know?'

By the time his mental ranting was over, he'd reached the mailbox on the street corner across from the Salvation Army Santa, who waved to him while trying to peek up a girl's skirt as she walked by. Kaiba shook his head and opened the mailbox slot, about to drop the envelopes in when a voice caught him by surprise.

"Hey there, Rich-boy."

"Ah!" Kaiba yelped out of surprise and dropped one of the letters.

Joey blinked and bent down to pick it up, grasping it and reading the address. He grinned, "_You're_ writing a letter to Santa?"

"N-No!" He shouted, snatching the letter back, "This is Mokuba's! And just what are you doing here, anyway? You live on the other side of town."

He shrugged and pulled out a letter from his back pocket that was addressed to the jolly, fat man as well. "On the 4th of July last year, some kids blew up our mailboxes with cherry bombs, so I have to mail it over here. Say, what'd you ask for anyway?"

The brunette was about to say something smart but his eyes flickered downwards to where a small part of the blonde's shirt was tucked in his underwear and Kaiba caught a glimpse of a Blue Eyes White Dragon's wing and head with a white background. He began to sweat and all of a sudden screamed, throwing the two letters into the air and running back into his mansion.

Joey was utterly confused and picked up the letters carefully, putting Mokuba's in the slot and tucking Kaiba's in his back pocket.

"Heh heh. Merry Christmas, Rich-boy."

**Owari.**


End file.
